This is the third year since living these events first-hand and while I am making progress living into a place that will allow me to move on with my life, David is so much a part of who I am that at times it is difficult to distinguish myself from the memories of him. This is not indicative of twisted co-dependency. It is a relic of two people who shared the best and worst of life for more than 11 years. So do not pity me. The choice David made to share part of his life journey with me has enriched my life in more ways than I will ever be able to tell. I do miss him but mostly it is the good times, not the difficult times that I remember - even during this time of year.
I was thinking today of the memorial service we held for David. Here is some of what I wrote about him. I share it today because in so many ways David's life embodied the spirit of Christmas.
David was always thinking of the folks in his life and that made him a great Christmas shopper because he was shopping all year. He would see something that was right for someone and would put it away for months until an occasion arrived to give it to them. Frequently the occasion would be “I saw this and I thought it would be great for you.” Debbie, David’s sister was saying just yesterday how there were times when nothing arrived for her birthday or Christmas because David had not found the right thing… but something would arrive sometime later in the year that was “just perfect for her.” David was like that. He would not get you something just because it was time to get you something and something had to do… There was always a motivation behind his gifts.
My sister sent me a note a couple of days ago and she said:
I have been thinking all day about the wonderful man David was. He was such a wonderful sweet friend. The surprise gifts for my girls, I will think of him any time that I see them in one of the beautiful old timey hats he sent, or any of the jewels, or see any of the beautiful Hat boxes...And most recently, even with him as ill as he was, the precious gift of the music boxes, with all of his time and special personal touches on them.David had many talents that facilitated his kindness and generosity. He was very crafty and creative. He was always making something better than when he found it. He knows I love music and pianos. One Christmas he bought a piano shaped music box for me but it wasn’t good enough the way it came. He wanted there to be an actual keyboard on the music box and so he took some balsa wood, cut keys to the scale of the music box, painted them and built a keyboard and lined the back of it with a piece of black cord. All 88 keys were there, black and white, and correctly arranged. David even knew which of the dogs would like to be covered on winter nights and which did not. Every night he had a ritual of telling the dogs goodnight and tucking them in - each to their preferences. Sarah covered, Grace not, Beau only the tip of his snout covered and Jacob and Maggie would be up on the bed. Even on nights when he didn’t feel well he didn’t forget the dogs.
David also loved to cook and to bake. I remember one time when he decided to make jambalaya for the first time. I do not think there was an occasion other than to bring friends together for a meal. He made it 100% from scratch. He made the rue and he worked on that meal all day long. There was a full house that night eating the wonderful food. Before I met David I do not think I had any idea that buttermilk pie existed. He mentioned something about a buttermilk pie one day and I made a face and some comment about how disgusting would that be. Needless to say I am a buttermilk pie devotee now. It is one of the best things I have ever eaten. After my Aunt Mary passed away, David found her coconut cream pie recipe in a cook book from the ladies auxiliary and he started making it for me because he knew how much I love that pie and how it reminded me of someone whom I love dearly. He was always baking at Christmas and once he managed to finagle the recipe for his mother’s jam cake from her that delicious jam cake replaced homemade biscotti as a gift that he would make for friends during Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas it would be impossible to talk about David without talking about his love of Christmas. He did not care much for the commercialization of the holiday but he loved decorating for the season, the music, and he loved angels. David has angels of every shape and fashion. Several of us will remember a trip to Asheville when David found a three foot tall angel that was on deep discount due to damaged wings. David knew he could repair that. As many beautiful things did, the angel had “called his name” and so he had to have it. His crafty magic soon made the angel whole and beautiful again.
...
There are a million little things about David that bear stating here but I hope you get the picture. David was thoughtful, kind, loving, giving, warm-hearted, fun, reserved, mischievous, quiet; but words alone can not sum him up. We each have our own memories of David or we would not be here today. Today, in many respects is about us and about having confirmation that David’s transition from this life to the next is real. People have so many ways to view the passing of loved ones. WH Auden wrote:
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,Auden starts off so well. For almost three full stanzas he seems to “get it.” But, if I may be so bold, he goes wrong from the last three words of stanza three. Don’t get me wrong. Many of us probably feel that we simply cannot be consoled in our grief and therefore not even the majesty of God’s creation will be enough to bring us cheer. I don’t think David saw life that way. I think David had a quite high opinion of Nature and God’s capacity to heal, console, build up, and remind us that what faces us now IS natural and just as Winter leads to Spring then so too does Death lead to Life. Those of us who know David and his Leo nature know that he will want us to morn him appropriately – after all he was king of the jungle :-) But I think we can also take comfort in the belief that he would want us to continue to live – to find great joy in Nature, in Quiet, in Company, and in Solitude.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good
Another way to view this is to remember these words from the book Tuesdays with Morrie in which Morrie a man who lives for years with the effects of Lou Gehrig’s disease states:
As long as we can love each other and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on – in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.Death does end a life, not a relationship. But the relationship must continue changing after the death of a loved one - even as it changed during their life. The relationship must change because those of us here continue to grow, learn, live, and change. About now you may be wondering how I am going to bring this diatribe back around to Christmas... While none of us is perfect, David held the spirit of Christmas in his heart and life throughout the year. It had a profound impact upon who he was. It touched the lives of those around him. It is sometimes a difficult thing to do but it seems to me that this is the call to us for all of our lives - to give without counting the cost, to be peace-makers, to be hopeful, to be joyful, to love and to let our lives grow from a place of love rather than selfishness. Were these not traits modeled for us by Jesus? Christmas marks the birth of Jesus but Jesus did not remain a babe in a manger. Apologies in advance to those who hold to the literal idea of virgin birth, but most of what made Jesus special was not the events of his birth... it was the life he lived and the example set even through the events of his death.
Death ends a life, not a relationship.
Sometimes insight can be gained by holding the extremes of an idea in mind... With that in mind I read the Lectionary passages for today and I wonder - When it is time for someone to write my eulogy what will they say? Will I have lived with Christmas in my heart throughout the years. Clearly there have been periods of my life when I did not - but on balance will I have planted more seeds of Hope, Peace, Joy, and love than my actions have run counter to those ideas?
The lectionary passages today are the Isaiah prophecy - a message of HOPE to a people living in a difficult time... a song of praise that embodies HOPE and JOY... a passage from Titus that offers the promise of PEACE for those who model their life upon the life of Christ... and the Nativity story from Luke... Enjoy!
Isaiah 9:2-7
9:2 The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness on them light has shined.Psalm 96
9:3 You have multiplied the nation, you have increased its joy; they rejoice before you as with joy at the harvest, as people exult when dividing plunder.
9:4 For the yoke of their burden, and the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor, you have broken as on the day of Midian.
9:5 For all the boots of the tramping warriors and all the garments rolled in blood shall be burned as fuel for the fire.
9:6 For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders; and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
9:7 His authority shall grow continually, and there shall be endless peace for the throne of David and his kingdom. He will establish and uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time onward and forevermore. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this.
96:1 O sing to the LORD a new song; sing to the LORD, all the earth.Titus 2:11-14
96:2 Sing to the LORD, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day.
96:3 Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples.
96:4 For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; he is to be revered above all gods.
96:5 For all the gods of the peoples are idols, but the LORD made the heavens.
96:6 Honor and majesty are before him; strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.
96:7 Ascribe to the LORD, O families of the peoples, ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
96:8 Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; bring an offering, and come into his courts.
96:9 Worship the LORD in holy splendor; tremble before him, all the earth.
96:10 Say among the nations, "The LORD is king! The world is firmly established; it shall never be moved. He will judge the peoples with equity."
96:11 Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice; let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
96:12 let the field exult, and everything in it. Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy
96:13 before the LORD; for he is coming, for he is coming to judge the earth. He will judge the world with righteousness, and the peoples with his truth.
2:11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all,
2:12 training us to renounce impiety and worldly passions, and in the present age to live lives that are self-controlled, upright, and godly,
2:13 while we wait for the blessed hope and the manifestation of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.
2:14 He it is who gave himself for us that he might redeem us from all iniquity and purify for himself a people of his own who are zealous for good deeds.
Luke 2:1-14, (15-20)
2:1 In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered.
2:2 This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria.
2:3 All went to their own towns to be registered.
2:4 Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David.
2:5 He went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child.
2:6 While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child.
2:7 And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.
2:8 In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.
2:9 Then an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.
2:10 But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for see--I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people:
2:11 to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord.
2:12 This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger."
2:13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying,
2:14 "Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace among those whom he favors!"
2:15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let us go now to Bethlehem and see this thing that has taken place, which the Lord has made known to us."
2:16 So they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the child lying in the manger.
2:17 When they saw this, they made known what had been told them about this child;
2:18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds told them.
2:19 But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart.
2:20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.
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